I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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