I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
