Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
