i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
