What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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