Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
