i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
