bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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