You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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