Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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