Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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