God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
