I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
