the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
