I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
