I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
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He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
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Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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