You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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