but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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