my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
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He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
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He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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