the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
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You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
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College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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