life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
