If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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