that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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