She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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