I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
