Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
