After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
