He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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