i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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