I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
