dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
