I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
