I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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