I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
That accounts for only three of the penises
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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