the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
