Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
should my penis look like a turkey
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
