I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
