mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
