East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
