Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
