My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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