I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
