So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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