there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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