Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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