Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
tell me about the eggs
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
