I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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