I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
