you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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