I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
