my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
