Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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