I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
