Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
