So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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