so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
